


puppylove woes

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Acceptance, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Past Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:08:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28451406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Janus is finally over Virgil, his childhood bestfriend, and he takes some time to go over everything.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	puppylove woes

**Author's Note:**

> no extra TWs <3

_**and the worst part is** _

Janus was pretty much over him.

Yeah, totally.

.. he's never been good at lying to himself.

But it's not a lie! Well sometimes it is, but.. as long as he didn't think about it a lot, then he was over it.

That means he isn't really over it, doesn't it?

Regardless -- he doesn't think about it like he used to.

He hadn't, not for a long time.

Unfortunately for Janus, there's such as 'triggers' and he does in fact have them.

_**i loved you** _

It shouldn't be so hard to deal with in the first place. 

It shouldn't have been so hard to get over. 

Why was it so hard to move on?

It-- was so simple.

It happens to everyone.

It's just _life_.

He had no right to be so hurt over something so small.. then again, when did he care for rights and wrongs? 

Though, some part of him feels like he's justified in his emotions.

They were so close.

They shared so much.

They were _children_.

Janus's family had never been particularly good or healthy, and Virgil was his.. light.

His joy.

Janus depended on Virgil so heavily, it was no wonder it hurt so bad when he left.

Not like it was his choice to leave.

Everyone moves; it's just a part of life.

- ~~Maybe that's why Janus is suicidal-~~

_**i loved you** _

Virgil was his everything back then.

Virgil was his emotional support.

Virgil was the only person he trusted, and could be open and honest and himself with. 

Obviously that'd be a big blow when he moved.

Sometimes Janus gets mad that he didn't get a goodbye. 

He never has.

Sometimes he feels as if he deserved at least a 'hey, i'm moving tommorow' or _something_.. because waking up eager to play with their shared toys and going to knock on his door only to find out that he moved, and with no warning, isn't exactly pleasant.

At first he'd kept his hopes high. Surely he'd come back, they promised!

_~~"Y~~ ou ~~w~~ on't le ~~ave~~ me, ~~will y~~ ou?" J ~~an~~ us ~~as~~ ked, sni ~~fflin~~ g. ~~"N~~ o, ne ~~ver~~!".. "D ~~o yo~~ u pr ~~omi~~ se?".. "I ~~promise~~."_

_"H ~~ey, V?"~~.. "Ye ~~a~~ h?".. "W ~~e'~~ ll a ~~lwa~~ ys ~~b~~ e ~~together~~ , right? Ev ~~en~~ if one of us ~~move~~ s?".. ~~"Ev~~ en if on ~~e~~ ~~o~~ f ~~us~~ m ~~ov~~ es.".. " ~~Swear~~ ri ~~ght~~ no ~~w,~~ tha ~~t we'll~~ co ~~me~~ ba ~~ck~~ an ~~d mee~~ t ~~each other again one~~ d ~~ay~~. ~~"~~.. "Of co ~~urs~~ e, ~~J~~ an. I ~~swear."~~_

.. and Virgil wasn't a liar.

He'd come back one day! Janus would just have to wait it out!

Except after a year, he gave up hope.

It's been a year -- V's never coming back.

What made Janus think of himself so high and mighty that _anyone_ would come back for his pathetic ass?

It's been years since then, he went through a grieving process and now all that's left are stale memories of the joy he gave him.

_**i loved you - it's true** _

Janus still keeps the little sock puppet they made together next to his bed.

_~~"Oo~~ h, I w ~~anna~~ u ~~se th~~ at ~~on~~ e!".. "Sh ~~h,~~ you' ~~re~~ ~~gon~~ na wa ~~ke~~ ~~m~~ y p ~~arent~~ s up--".. ".. V ~~irg~~ il I col ~~or~~ ed th ~~e~~ eyes o ~~ran~~ ge. I-- I ~~swear~~ I m ~~eant~~ to go f ~~or the red~~ \--" the memory cuts off with laughter._

He still has the pig he and Virgil had made when Virgil's older brother was teaching them to sew.

_"O ~~uch!~~ Th ~~e fuc~~ ker sta ~~bbed~~ m ~~e~~!".. ~~"You~~ ~~sta~~ bbe ~~d~~ yo ~~urself~~ -".. "Sh ~~us~~ h--"_

He still has the pig stuffie that Virgil gave him as a token of their friendship.

_~~"Yo~~ u s ~~ur~~ e I ~~can~~ k ~~eep~~ hi ~~m?"~~.. "Y ~~eah~~ , 'co ~~urs~~ e! ~~Not~~ like I ~~need 'e~~ m, p ~~lu~~ s- y ~~ou~~ sl ~~eep~~ ~~wi~~ th ~~it~~ e ~~ve~~ ry t ~~ime~~ ~~yo~~ u co ~~me~~ ~~ov~~ er." ~~Virgil's~~ to ~~ne was teasing,~~ an ~~d~~ a ~~lthough~~ the ~~face isn't~~ a pa ~~rt~~ of ~~hi~~ s ~~memory~~ , h ~~e~~ ~~can~~ pe ~~rfectly~~ ima ~~gin~~ e w ~~hat~~ hi ~~s~~ ~~best friend~~ wo ~~uld've~~ ~~looked~~ ~~li~~ ke. " ~~I want you to have something special to remember me by.." whispered, and if only Janus had payed more attention to that thought.~~_

Now they're just.. there.

Not a painful reminder, not a cause for flashbacks, just.. there.

Janus has grown to really appreciate all that Virgil did for him. 

All the good memories he gave him. 

All the shows and toys that now have a person in mind when he sees them. 

All the amazing times he had with his childhood bestfriend.

Janus doesn't know if his love for Virgil was platonic or not, but he'll never know, and.. for the first time, without it being a lie, he can say that he's okay with that.

However, the one thing he does know, is that Virgil was his first love, and will forever have his place permanently etched in his heart.

**_and sometimes i feel like i still fucking do_ **

**Author's Note:**

> alternate title: that awkotaco moment when youre in love with your childhood bestfriend but for all you know they could be dead 
> 
> also thanks to my sis for a conversation in which i remembered my childhood bsf and realized that i am no longer sad about it (i haven't been sad abt it for months so yeah) so made a fic 
> 
> also i apologise i haven't wrote in so long 😔


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